I'm back in therapy. And contrary to the title of my post, I don't actually lay down on a couch in session. It's probably a good thing, because I'm pretty certain I would not be able to stay awake for very long in that position!
I like to think of this as CBT, Part Deux. While I do have a reasonable amount of OCD left in my life, it is not the reason I've sought out help again. In fact, I feel like it is due to the success of my past treatment that I am finally in this particular head space. I've had enough OCD cobwebs cleared out, that it has made room for other longstanding issues to bubble to the surface, namely my decades old struggle with depression. I can recall living with bouts of depression since I was a teenager. It has ebbed and flowed throughout my life like a slow moving roller coaster. A lot of the time, it simply simmers at a low boil in the background, not presenting any major life problems per se, but it is active just enough to keep me from moving forward. However, over the past year, on most days, it takes tremendous effort to get out of bed. Some days, I cannot muster the energy to do it at all.
I want to be clear and state that I am okay. It's not that deep, harrowing type of depression. I know what that feels like, and I thank God that is not where I am. I'm just running on low to no energy, and well, the world seems like differing shades of gray and blah. I know what the culprit is, so I'm dealing with it, rather than ignoring it. Though, frankly, I would prefer to ignore it.
I'm realizing that my self image is probably a big factor behind my depression. I struggle terribly with feeling unloveable and unworthy, and with feeling desperate for the approval of others or, rather, the approval of every human being I ever cross paths with. However, I'm very passionate about certain subjects, and I often feel like I must speak up about things, and yet, this causes me so much angst. This is because I fear alienating others when doing this. It's a terrible inward battle. I feel like I'm failing to serve God and/or protect others if I don't speak up, but then I worry that I'm offending others if I do. Of course, I try to be tactful and kind when speaking up, but still. So what am I to do? Care less? Go along to get along? That does not seem right. And yet, my psychologist has told me that I act like I'm responsible for helping and saving everyone around me. And clearly I'm not. Ugh. Rock and a hard place.
Logically, I know that as a Christ follower, my worth is found only in the truth that I am created, and loved, by God. Yet . . . my heart doesn't quite seem to receive that message. I'm not sure it ever truly did.
I'm also discovering that some cognitive distortions are creeping back into my thinking, so my psychologist is working with me to start cognitively restructuring my thoughts away from automatically negative territory. In fact, she told me that we are working on a higher plane of restructuring now, than when I was being treated for the OCD. I view that as a positive thing, as it means that I did actually understand and absorb the previous CBT treatment I received.
While I know that spilling one's most private struggles and turmoils is not something that everyone is comfortable with, I have found it to be quite therapeutic and cathartic to share this. I lived with deep, dark secrets of my illness for so many years that I never want to return to that. On that note, thanks for listening.