Why "71º & Sunny?"

I consider 71º to be the perfect temperature. Not too cold and not too hot. I also love perfect sunny days. The vast majority of days are not 71º & Sunny and yet, all days were created by God's hand and they are still gifts, even if they don't fit my ridiculous definition of perfection. My struggle with OCD has at times imprisoned me in an impossible attempt to achieve perfection. I'm now learning to love all kinds of days that don't even come close to 71º & Sunny.

Please leave me a comment below. I really want to know what you are thinking!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Am I Making It Up?

I have noticed a very strange thing amongst most people with OCD. At one timeor another, we all doubt that we actually have the illness. Weird, right? Even though we may have been diagnosed by qualified professionals multiple times, even though we know our symptoms match up with the description of OCD, or even though we talk to, and find tremendous commonality with, other OCD sufferers, many (or most) of us continue to wonder if we are imagining it or making it up.

I really wish I could explain this better to those of you who don't have OCD, but I suspect my fellow strugglers will have no problem identifying with this oddity. One of the core issues of OCD is doubt; pathological doubt, about everything, and especially, about ourselves, our actions, our thoughts, and our motives. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Am I making this up? I don't really have OCD. I'm not really afraid of anything, I can touch whatever I want, I'm just faking it. I'm just doing this to get attention. What a selfish jerk I am." It is a bizarre thought that seems to occur to me when my symptoms are on the quiet side. Then, later, something will happen to get the anxiety pumped up and I'll realize that, oh no, I'm most definitely not making this up!

So if you have OCD, and you keep having thoughts that you are making it up, you're in good company!

15 comments:

  1. I understand what you mean. I've thought at times that either I didn't really have OCD or it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I think that if I'm not in the midst of a hard time with it, it's hard to imagine (or maybe I don't want to remember) how bad it can really be. Thanks for bringing up this topic. I hope you're doing well!

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    1. I'm doing better now. Pretty rough couple of weeks for several reasons, but God is good and I'm hanging in there! Thanks for asking.

      It's really crazy, isn't it? It's so strange that when I'm not in the thick of it, sometimes I have to work hard to remember the depth of it. Our minds are certainly strange things!

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  2. I think you pretty much read my mind right there...

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    1. Well I can read your mind, va, 'cause I have ESPN! Ha ha ha. Yep, EVERYONE I talk to feels the same doubt about it.

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  3. Interesting post, Sunny, and you are right that it is hard for me, not having OCD, to understand - though you do a great job of explaining the "logic" behind it. I'm not sure if Dan has ever felt this way, but he does say that he doesn't remember a lot about those really dark days when his OCD was completely debilitating. Maybe that's not such a bad thing!

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    1. You know, I wonder if it could be some kind of defense mechanism? I think it's just the strangest thing that we take it and turn it into a suspicion that we are making it up or just trying to get sympathy or something. We naturally tend to assume that we are doing something immoral. I guess that is pretty typical of the illness though, with all the negative thinking and such.

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  4. Yeah, I was driving along feeling pretty good one day and I thought maybe I'm really okay and I just need to get a job--maybe I'm just babying myself. But I set myself straight right away. No, I'm not just babying myself; I really do have issues!

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    1. EXACTLY! I've come up with all of these scenarios that I'm just weak, or don't want to try hard enough, or I'm looking for special treatment, blah, blah, blah. I'm really glad that you realized right away that it was just the OCD messing with you. And it does that very well, unfortunately!

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  5. That's so true! I experience the same thing sometimes, usually when I have less symptoms... then when my anxiety gets triggered, I think to myself "Why am get this anxious feeling? That's because I have OCD." I'm also officially diagnosed with it, yet sometimes I get doubts like "Am I making it up? Maybe I don't have OCD..." No wonder why OCD is nicknamed "the doubting disease!"

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    1. Right?! The "doubting disease" is a pretty perfect name for it. And I'm amazed that just about everyone I talk to has the same doubt about it. Which just confirms to me, that it IS indeed an illness, as we all have such similar thinking, even if we don't have similar outward symptoms.

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    2. Oh and I'm glad you wrote, Hilda. I've been trying to get to your blog since you gave me authorization, and I got in that first time, but for some reason I couldn't get in any more. Although now, when I clicked on your name I was able to get in. Very weird!

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  6. What interesting to me is that I have never, not once, doubted that I have OCD, since I was diagnosed more than 15 years ago. Mine is so very very very textbook and focuses mostly on contamination, so maybe that makes it clearer? I don't know. But I do agree with you, reading on other boards, this is an extremely common issue. Heck, it's bad enough when you know you have it!

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    1. Oh wow, that's really interesting, Ann. Funny enough, I think I'm pretty textbook as well. Well, I'm glad that you haven't to deal with this issue too. It's like another excuse to beat yourself up for being fake. Ugh.

      Ha ha ha yes it is bad enough just knowing you have it!

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