Why "71º & Sunny?"

I consider 71º to be the perfect temperature. Not too cold and not too hot. I also love perfect sunny days. The vast majority of days are not 71º & Sunny and yet, all days were created by God's hand and they are still gifts, even if they don't fit my ridiculous definition of perfection. My struggle with OCD has at times imprisoned me in an impossible attempt to achieve perfection. I'm now learning to love all kinds of days that don't even come close to 71º & Sunny.

Please leave me a comment below. I really want to know what you are thinking!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Loss

My Memere, 3 years ago
at age 99
It's been a very eventful few weeks. We had to deal with Jim's most recent health issues, and the night before Thanksgiving, my 102 year old grandma passed away after many years of living with Alzheimer's. Her passing was a blessing, as she had absolutely almost no quality of life whatsoever, and she had not known who we were for years. We expected it, we even prayed for it, and yet, when she did pass, I was surprised by how it affected me. I will never, ever be able to talk about my Memere in the present tense again. It also saddened me when I realized I would not need to buy her a Christmas present this year. Or ever again.

There is nothing that annoys me more than when someone passes, and everybody talks about them like they were a perfect saint. It just seems so . . . hollow and fake. My Memere wasn't perfect (who is?), and we had our issues, but I still have many wonderful memories of her from when I was a little child. As someone who struggles terribly with perfectionism, it is hard for me to deal with both sides of people (myself included). I tend to think of people as all wonderful, or if I don't see them that way, it is very hard for me to deal with them at all. There is no question that polarized thinking follows me everywhere. I'm learning to accept all sides of people, both good and bad, (again, myself included). If I'm hurt by someone or don't agree with what someone did, I am trying extremely hard to forgive and move on, even if they never realize or acknowledge the wrongdoing. It is not easy. It doesn't mean that I'm ignoring wrongdoing, or not dealing with it at the time. But, I'm sure you understand what I mean, when I say there are times you must forgive and move on. I've chosen to focus now on the positives of my relationship with my grandma, because there absolutely were a lot of positives. I think she did the best she could for her family.

I'm not exactly an angel either. I let my OCD get in the way of being there for her in the last several years. I really hate that about myself. I thought I would be consumed with guilt at her passing because of that. Strangely enough, I'm not. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing myself. I guess I'm just trying to apply the same healthier thought patterns to myself. I can't change my past behavior anymore than I can change someone else's. So, what I'm left with, is the need for forgiveness and acceptance once again. Only this time, it's towards myself. I've asked my Lord for forgiveness. Now, I need to follow His lead.

Christmas will be bittersweet for my family this year, as I'm sure it will be for many others. God bless you if you are dealing with loss, and all that goes with it, right now. I pray that He comforts you with His love, His peace, and wonderful memories of your loved one.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 ESV

10 comments:

  1. Beautiful, honest post Sunny. Feelings are never simple, that's for sure. I am sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thank you, Janet. It sure is hard to be honest sometimes, but it's so important to my mental health.

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  2. I'm sorry about your loss, Sunny. Yes, relationships are complicated. No one is all bad or all good.

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    1. Thanks, Tina. Complicated. I really didn't think of it that way, but yes, I guess that is what is meant by a complicated relationship!

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  3. This is such a wonderful post. And for the one right before, I'm so thankful Jim is doing well, and that you have been given the grace to deal with this flare up in a strong, non-fear controlled way.

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    1. Thank you, Anna. Jim is doing much better, about 95% of full capacity. Just a little cough left. Although he passed it to me!

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  4. What a lovely photo of your beloved grandmother, Monique. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that Jim is doing well. Sending you warm hugs and much love.

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