So . . . as it says in my title, I'm not too sure what is going on right now. Well, for the last few months, actually. I have absolutely no energy. Zero. None. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to crawl out of bed, and when I do, all I can think about is going back to bed. I'm still going to all the meetings and rehearsals and things that I'm obligated to at church, but that is it. Jim and I recently had a "staycation," you know, a vacation where you don't really go anywhere. We did take some day trips, but even that was hard. I would have just preferred to stay home.
The strange thing is that I don't feel sad. If you asked me if I was depressed, I would say no. However, at my routine quarterly appointment with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, I was told that my symptoms certainly seem depressive in nature. Reluctantly, I would have to agree. This is awful and embarrassing to admit, but there are days when I have no outside obligations, and I don't even bother to eat because I don't have the energy to go downstairs and fix something for myself.
Again, I don't feel sad or depressed. I'm definitely not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me or anything like that. I'm not suffering. Believe me, I've been in despair before, and this surely isn't it. But, I also know this is not normal or healthy. So I agreed to add an anti-depressant to my SSRI at my psychiatrist's suggestion. Well, actually, first he suggested a lower dose of my SSRI, but I'm scared to do that for fear of increasing OCD symptoms. So the anti-depressant is the next step. I should know in the next week or so if it is working. I have not seen any improvement yet, but I'm hoping and praying it works. Ugh. I REALLY hate adding medication. While I'm (obviously) not against meds, you could not exactly call me pro-meds either, for a lot of reasons. But, it is what it is.
What really bugs me about this is that there is absolutely no outside reason for feeling this way. My marriage is really good, my adult child is doing well. I have loving friends and family. A roof over my head and food in my refrigerator. I guess that's just the chemical nature of depression isn't it? It appears for no (apparent) rhyme or reason.
Part of me soooooo desperately wants to paint a complete, happy ending for you. However, a bigger part of me wants to give you the truth. The messy, complicated, bitter-sweet truth. And yes, while there is bitter, like what I'm dealing with right now, there is a lot of sweet too. I am NOT hopeless. Oh, I have gone through so much worse than this before! I know I will get through this too.