A few days ago, I posted a video log (or vlog) about how comfortable I'm becoming talking openly with others about living with OCD. What you don't know, is that I really struggled with putting that video up.
|Aren't I just the cutest and|
fluffiest little thing ever?
You see, my fur baby, Anna, was not in a very good mood when I taped that video, and she mewed and growled a bit on camera. After taping, I didn't want to post it, because I thought that Anna looked mad, and that someone would misunderstand and think I had hurt her and abused her, and I would be reported for animal cruelty, Anna would get taken away from me, I would be arrested, put in jail, and I would lose everything and everyone who cared about me. Hmmm . . . a bit of CATastrophizing, wouldn't you say? (Ha - pun intended!) Yes, indeed, but that sure is how OCD works. Cognitive distortions are the fuel for tormenting thoughts.
I told Jim that I was scared to post it, and he told me to post it anyway as an ERP. He also said that no one would think I hurt Anna just because she was acting like a little diva. Ugh. Ever since we brought Anna into our family, I've worried that someone would falsely think I was abusing her. I remember that until my kid turned 18, I constantly obsessed (and agonized) about someone mistakenly thinking I was an abusive parent and that my precious, precious child would be taken away from me.
I know that these fears are just OCD, as there was never any reason why either my child or my cat would ever be taken from me. Oh, but when these obsessions come, they feel so, so, so real. Like there is no possibility of anything else being the truth.
It is REALLY scary and humiliating admitting these crazy thoughts to you like this. But, I have them, and I suspect others have them too. Honestly, when I really think about this (and when I think about posting about these fears), it makes me panicky and sick to my stomach with horrifying anxiety. But I'm not going down without a fight. I'm tired of my illness controlling me - and I'm posting this in spite of my fear.
If you have these thoughts too, please remember, you are not alone. And the thoughts are not truth. OCD is a filthy liar.