Janet, over at ocdtalk, recently wrote a great post that got me thinking about my own recovery. It's true, there were times that I did not want to get better from OCD. It's also true that I obsessed about suicide because I was so tormented by OCD. So which was it? Did I want to get better or not? Yes, I did want to get better (mostly). I can't say 100% yes, because that would not have been true. I did want to rid myself of the pain, but I did not want to rid myself of the perceived benefits of OCD.
|A poem I wrote in my 12th|
grade Creative Writing Class.
I think it's safe to say that most people who know me would refer to me as being a bit quirky. Frankly, I kinda like that. Also, no one would mistake me for Ansel Adams, Monet, or Celine Dionne, but I like to think of myself as an artist. I enjoy singing, acting, and various other creative endeavors. As an OCD sufferer, I was under the mistaken notion that recovery from OCD would cause me to lose the part that made me unique or was responsible for any artistic leaning I had.
I did not need to be concerned! In fact, I am so much freer to be my true self now. I'm certainly at the height of my creative abilities (which really isn't saying all that much - but for me it is forward progress). I no longer feel the constant weight and burden of unrelenting anxiety. I can put my energies towards living and creating, rather than towards just trying to ward off the next potential (imagined) catastrophe.
Yes, my personality has changed a bit, but I think in a good way. I am much more positive and hopeful overall. I realize that I have a lot more choices in life than I thought I did. I'm making more decisions based on rational thought and not in fear. In essence, I'm more "me." And though I'm most definitely far from perfect and I sure have a long way to go in my journey with Christ, would it be terribly prideful to say that (for probably the first time in my life ever) I think I'm ok with who I'm becoming? Meaning, that I don't hate myself anymore. Meaning, that I believe God created me a certain way, and with His help through CBT/ERP and medication, He's helping me to find the "me" He intended. The flawed, imperfect, stumbling, bumbling, believer that is seeking to follow God with all her heart while simultaneously trying to enjoy the good gifts that surround her on this earth.
If you are afraid that recovery from OCD will strip you of your uniqueness, please don't be. There's so much more of you just waiting to come out!