This can be filed under, "What in the world was I thinking?" Roughly a month and a half ago I volunteered to set up approximately 50 some-odd pillar candles on the stage at church for our Christmas Eve services. I offered to do this when my OCD was more under control and I was feeling great. Seriously, with my paranoia of fire, how insane was that? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, not so much.
We have services tonight and tomorrow night, so a really good friend of mine, along with a couple other people, helped me set them up yesterday morning. We had to test them of course, so we lit them. Oh boy. That was painful. I was really worried about setting the place ablaze.
However, I'm more worried about tonight and tomorrow night, when the band and other assorted people will be on stage next to the candles. I'm concerned about them bumping into the candles and knocking them over, or maybe a stray ember will spark something on fire. Ugh.
I'm also worried about some gifts I am giving people that are food items. I'm so scared that I will accidentally do something bad to the food and that people will eat it and get sick. Oh, and I also bought some small votive candle glass containers to give as gifts. They fell and one of them has a small chip, so now my mind is telling me that someone will get glass in one of their gifts. Maybe it will even get into the food gifts. Aaaaggghhh.
I woke up at 4:00 a.m. today with my mind churning about all of this stuff. Finally, I decided to search online for some Bible verses about anxiety. That did help and I fell asleep around 5:30 a.m.
So now I'm exhausted, sick to my stomach with anxiety, and just generally not in a very holiday mood. I'm going to keep fighting though. I refuse to let OCD ruin another family holiday, even if I have to fake my way through it. I'm going to pull out all my CBT tools and trust my currently fragile spirit to my Heavenly Father.
|The candles are pretty.|
|I hate glass items. Ugh.|