I've had a couple of really (good) crazy busy days this week. Of course, I still made time for Hit and Run OCD. Ugh.
It wasn't a big or time consuming incident. But, still, I gave in, even though I knew I shouldn't have. There is always guilt after I give in to an OCD urge. I hate that part too. Sometimes you just feel pulled in both directions and it can get tiring.
Last night I was driving to a lecture that was going to be given by a gentleman who is an expert in mastering albums for really big music artists. I was hoping to learn a little something that might help me with mixing sound for the worship band at my church. The lecture was scheduled to take place at a university in Massachusetts, in a city that I am not too familiar with. At one point I was looking at my windshield-mounted GPS when I hit a bump. I instantly felt that old familiar spike of anxiety. Rather than resist the anxiety, I decided to drive back and take a quick peek at the potential accident site. There was nothing there (surprise, surprise!). I even pulled over for a few seconds just to stare at the spot and make sure I was seeing everything clearly.
The whole thing took maybe two minutes out of my night. Not a major issue in the big scheme of things, but, I know that anytime I give in to OCD it can lead down a slippery slope. As I continued my drive to the university, the episode continued to weigh on my mind. I wondered why it was that certain bumps on the road bother me and why others do not. It then hit me. I had not been driving perfectly. Meaning, I was looking at the GPS, instead of looking at the road. And that makes me a bad person. Well, at least in my OCD mind it does. You really have to love those cognitive distortions.
A perfect driver never takes their eyes off of the road. If a perfect driver gets into a car accident, or causes one, well, it's a true accident. However, if I am not driving perfectly, and doing something that is distracting and then I cause an accident, well, I deserved it. It's all my fault and I should go to jail and suffer all of the consequences that come with it. Not only that, everyone I know will hate me because I negligently caused an accident.
I've come to realize that I am only stressed about driving if I've done something "imperfect" at the same time. The truth is, I think every driver is probably guilty of distraction at one time or another. Of course, some drivers are more distracted than others! I think the important thing to take from this is that I'm not perfect. And I guess that will have to be ok.
I thought you might enjoy seeing a picture of Southern NH's first snowfall of the winter. We haven't even picked up all of the leaves yet!