Why "71º & Sunny?"

I consider 71º to be the perfect temperature. Not too cold and not too hot. I also love perfect sunny days. The vast majority of days are not 71º & Sunny and yet, all days were created by God's hand and they are still gifts, even if they don't fit my ridiculous definition of perfection. My struggle with OCD has at times imprisoned me in an impossible attempt to achieve perfection. I'm now learning to love all kinds of days that don't even come close to 71º & Sunny.

Please leave me a comment below. I really want to know what you are thinking!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

That Same Old Feeling

It's after midnight and I'm sitting in a hotel room in Boston and my stomach is in knots. Anxiety. It's back. I know I will be fine, but in the meantime, well I'm struggling a bit.

My husband has his yearly colonoscopy tomorrow to make sure that he is still in remission, and to check for colon cancer. The really weird thing is that I don't even think I'm worried about tomorrow's test results. He has no symptoms, so I'm sure he's still in remission. I would also be very surprised if the doctor finds anything cancerous.

I think I'm suffering from a case of bad memories, if that makes any sense. Most of the time, we are able to forget that he is sick. However, having to go in for tests just brings me back to December of 2010 and all the terrible memories of his horrible flare. I know I sound like a broken record about this subject. I feel like I should be past this by now. But I'm not.

And so I sit in my hotel room, trying to ignore the sick feeling in my gut. It's just anxiety. It's just a feeling, nothing more. That's what I keep telling myself.


One of my favorite Boston buildings

22 comments:

  1. I hope everything goes well.

    I am with you, anxiety has a way of taking over and taking us to places we don't need to revisit. Hope you feel better.



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    1. Thank you, Yaya. It surprised me, but after I wrote my post last night, I started to feel better. I think it helped to write about how I was feeling and to just acknowledge it.

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  2. Dear one I am so very sorry for your anxiety. I know this all too well too. Gentle hugs to you during this time....

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  3. I hope everything turns out ok for your husband! It's normal to feel anxious over something like that :) ((hugs))

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    1. Karin, sometimes I forget that some level of anxiety is normal. I'm just so sick of it that I always start to panic a little when I feel it.

      Everything did turn out ok, by the way. Thanks!

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  4. Anxiety is so bad about bringing back bad memories. You both went through a terrible time in 2010, and that's not easy to let go of, I'm sure.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. And I hope the results come back fine from your husband's tests.

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    1. But I sure wish I could let go of it, Tina!. Although, in some ways I've improved, because I didn't start feeling the really bad anxiety until yesterday. In the past, I would have been overwhelmed by it weeks before the appointment.

      The results did come back fine. He is still in remission, and nothing suspicious was found. The doc took tons of biopsies (which we won't know about for a couple of weeks), but that is just standard for this specialist.

      Thank you!

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  5. By now, I hope the test is over and all is well.....and you are feeling better also. Anticipation as well as memories are definite sources of anxiety, for me, anyway.

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    1. Yes, it is over and all is well, thank you, Janet. I am feeling better. We've spent a lot of time in the hospital over the last year and a half and it always makes me feel anxious whenever we have to go to appointments there.

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  6. Praying for your husband and news for 'still in remission!'

    ... I know about a 'case of bad memories'

    God bless you & remember HIS promises.
    ~Deanna

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    1. Thank you Deanna, yes, I do tend to forget His promises sometimes. Really got to work on that.

      Thanks for the prayers! (And yes, he is still in remission! Yay!)

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  7. Your so amazing Sunny..just a real inspiration to me. I am sorry you had the anxiety come to you like that, but you recognized it as it was and dealt with it. I know you had no choice, but it sounds like you dealt with it in a really healthy way, saying this is what it is, a feeling and nothing more. I know there are very unhealthy ways to respond to anxiety and that is why I am so proud of you.
    I get the whole "bad memories" thing by the way. I am so glad your husband got a good result!

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    1. Krystal Lynn, you are much too kind! I have to tell you, that if you think I'm an inspiration, it must be because I've pulled the wool over your eyes!!! ha ha ha

      You make a really good point though. We are all going to deal with anxiety at different times, it's just a part of being human, but the goal is to deal with it in a healthy way. And I guess that is the whole goal of CBT/ERP.

      I'm glad my husband got a good result too, thanks!!

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  8. Hope all went well Sunny. I actually think anyone would feel the same way Sunny because some events are just traumatic and have a lasting residue on us. Take care.

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    1. Ah, I like the way you put that - "lasting residue." Sometimes, I just expect that since I've gone through treatment that I should not have any "lasting residue" of anything. But I guess that would not be normal, would it? Thank you for your well wishes.

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    1. Yep, everything went great, thanks Elizabeth! He's two days out from the procedure and he's doing just fine. And the thing is, I KNEW he would be fine, which is why I was so mad at myself for feeling so much anxiety.

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  10. So glad to hear things went well! Got you both in prayer...I don't blame you for being anxious!

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers, Jean, really appreciate it!

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  11. One of my ex-boyfriends is a maintenance guy in that building. I always grumble when I see it because it did not end well.

    I hope everything is ok.

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    1. Everything is ok, thanks Jen.

      Bummer that your ex works there. What a way to ruin a beautiful building!

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