|Screenshot of my phone|
I really dislike using the word paranoia. It just seems so . . . I don't know, crazy? I dislike even more that it applies to me, but the truth is, it does. I don't want to give you the impression that I'm looking for enemies behind every tree and bush, because I'm not. Every now and then, however, some mild paranoia seems to be a part of my OCD. Is that normal for everyone who struggles with OCD? I don't know, but it does not seem particularly unusual, according to my own experience with others who have OCD.
The phone. A scary device for me. Don't get me wrong. I love to talk on the phone. I love all the little apps I can download on my phone. I love playing Words with Friends, and being able to check Facebook and my blog from my phone. The GPS app I downloaded is great, and that flashlight app? Let's just say that it helped me find my stray eyeglass lens hiding under my car in the dark of night.
My big fear, though, is that my phone is not properly hung up. Oh, how I obsess about my phone not being hung up! You see, over a decade ago, I had a flip-type cell phone. I was trying to call someone on that phone, but I couldn't get a clear signal. So I finally hit the off button and cancelled my call. Or so I thought. I found out later that the call did indeed go through, and the person on the other end heard me saying something that I did not want them to hear. I was mortified! It pretty much ruined my weekend, because I was obsessing (and mentally compulsing) about it the whole time. The sad part is that my husband and I were away that weekend and staying at a bed and breakfast. It should have been a relaxing time for the two of us. I think my husband still enjoyed it because I hid my torment, but my stomach was churning for the entirety of that weekend. More time stolen from me by OCD.
Since then I have been fairly paranoid about phones in general. After I complete a call, I almost always double check for a dial tone, and many times, I will then call my home number, in order to clear out the last number dialed. Of course, this is all compulsive behavior. Many times my husband will look at me with "that look." You know, the look that says, "I know you are performing a compulsion right now, I do not approve, and do not ask me to help you with it because I will not enable you." I get it. I know he's right. But I can't stop.
Just today, I was on the phone with my mom. A few minutes after I hung up with her, I got a call from another family member. Apparently, I had "butt dialed" this person after I hung up with my mom, and left a voice mail of me having a conversation with my husband. Thankfully, it is a family member that I am close to and the conversation between my husband and myself was just normal, daily stuff. Still - I am once again horrified, especially because I did not think this could happen with my new phone!
I know what I'm supposed to do for an ERP with this issue. Make phone calls, hang up once, and not double check anything. I can honestly say that I am not there yet, and tonight's incident only reinforces my issues with the phone. Bummer.