Why "71º & Sunny?"

I consider 71º to be the perfect temperature. Not too cold and not too hot. I also love perfect sunny days. The vast majority of days are not 71º & Sunny and yet, all days were created by God's hand and they are still gifts, even if they don't fit my ridiculous definition of perfection. My struggle with OCD has at times imprisoned me in an impossible attempt to achieve perfection. I'm now learning to love all kinds of days that don't even come close to 71º & Sunny.

Please leave me a comment below. I really want to know what you are thinking!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Mixed Bag


Today, I accompanied my husband into Boston for his bi-monthly infusion. The appointment went very well and my hubby is feeling great. As usual, I did have a few little OCD issues. The first one was when we were crossing the street from the parking garage to the medical center. Instead of pressing the walk button with my finger, I sort of used my knuckle, so I would not contaminate my hands. I did it without even thinking. A lot of compulsions become habit after a while. Once I realized what I did, I should have gone back and touched the crosswalk button. I didn't.

On the plus side, I did use the bathroom at the hospital right away in the morning. This is helpful because it takes the anticipatory anxiety out of using the restroom if I use it immediately, instead of avoiding it until later in the day. Unfortunately, I did visit the restroom for an OCD reason. Let's just say it was a stupid reason, involving compulsive skin picking. Enough said.

One of the more upsetting and confusing issues for me is what to eat in the Hematology and Oncology Medical Center. As a visitor accompanying a patient, I am allowed to bring food in for myself. I favor snacks with peanuts. I also worry obsessively about sending someone with a peanut allergy into anaphylactic shock should they come into contact with my peanuts. When I went to go purchase the food, I was really torn about what to do. Additionally, I was concerned that if I didn't buy something with nuts that I was just giving in to my OCD. My fear ended up winning, though. I just couldn't risk giving someone a problem. After all the back and forth in my mind about the nuts, it turned out that the only place I could buy food was in another building and I decided to skip the snack altogether.

I wore flip-flops again, and wouldn't you know, there was torrential rain. Of course! My feet got very wet on our way back to the car after the infusion. Not only that, but when I was crossing the street, my flip-flop went flying a few feet in front of me and I had to walk with one bare foot on the wet pavement to grab it. My poor husband thought I was going to get hit by a bus because I was concentrating on my footwear and not on the traffic. I put my flip-flop back on though, and did not wash when I got home.

I also had to drive home in the rain, which was a bit difficult and anxiety producing. I did ask my husband a Hit and Run OCD reassurance question, but that was the only real issue. Other than that, the drive was non-eventful.

When I got home, I went down to the basement all by myself and ate my lunch. There was just a little anxiety about that, so obviously forcing myself to go down there all the time is really working.

Lastly, in the early evening, I noticed that the driveway sealing company I called had left an estimate for me in between my screen door and the front door. OK, I admit that I picked up the estimate with plastic sandwich bags. Not so good. However, I touched the screen door handle without bags or without washing my hands afterwards. That was good.

Today was a bit of a mixed bag. Then again, I guess most days are. Onward and forward!

17 comments:

  1. I think you did stunningly well..my goodness, your day was simply packed with exposures. I do better with things that happen suddenly..for example your flip flop flying off: that situation would be better for me than a planned ERP like actually saying I was going to take my foot out of a flip flop and put it on the wet pavement. How about you?
    I'm really proud of you for going in the basement and keeping that up..know it is hard for you. You inspire me.
    I had some sudden exposures today too. For one, my grandson took a empty pop bottle out of the garbage today to bring to me and I had to throw it away and laugh it off without washing my hands or his though I was tempted to wipe his little hands with a wet wipe I just blew it off.

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    1. Yes, I do better with unplanned ERPs. I think it's because there is no anticipatory anxiety with them, they just sort of happen!

      Wow, good for you for handling that exposure with your grandson. I'm sure that was hard, but you put him before your anxiety. Really, really awesome!

      Thanks so much for your kind words!

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  2. I think you did great! I probably would have gotten run over because without the other flip flop I would have stopped dead in my tracks and probably performed some type of balancing act to keep my foot from touching the ground until my husband or somebody got my flip flop. Lol

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    1. Ha ha ha - I thought about doing the same thing! But then I thought, oh well, I can just wash when I get home. But then, I didn't end up washing when I got home 'cause my hubby told me not to. Now, I'm really glad I didn't.

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  3. You did wonderful! It's all a mixed bag--and yours had lots of successes in it! You had a lot going on, and you kept on going. And it's great that you're still doing the basement exposure!

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    1. Thank you, Tina!! Yep, you're right - it's all mixed. No day is a perfect ERP and no day is a complete failure. I can't believe that I'm hanging out in the basement alone now. It feels good though. It's a good room to hang out in. Glad I got the use of it back.

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  4. That sounds like a great bag to me! Good for you for doing so well. :-)

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  5. By the way, I hope your husband is doing MUCH better. Prayers for you both!

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    1. Aw, thanks, Jean! He is doing much better - in fact I don't think he could be any better physically. The medication has put him into full remission, so we are very thankful.

      I so appreciate your support.

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    2. Oh, and I sure appreciate your prayers too!

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  6. Wow. You did great! I would have freaked all thru the day about everything! Just being in a hospital is enough to send me into panic.

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Elizabeth! Hospitals are definitely minefields for me. However, since my husband's flare in Dec. 2010, I have spent so much time in hospitals, that it's not too bad anymore. I guess you could say my husband's illness has been like a giant ERP.

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  7. I'm so glad your husband is doing well! And that you persevered through such a challenging day! I am so prone to demand perfection of myself; thanks for reminding us that the bad doesn't cancel out the good.

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    1. Hi Anna! I love your name by the way - it's my kitty's name! Thanks for your well wishes concerning my hubby.

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    2. Oops, I hit publish too quick! I also meant to say that in the early days of CBT I expected perfection with my ERPs too. It really is so important to remember that the bad doesn't un-do the good! They really are two separate things.

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  8. Glad your husband is doing so well....and you certainly had quite a day. When reading about it, the positives definitely seem to outweigh the negatives........hope it feels that way to you!

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    1. Yes, Janet, I (mostly) feel like there are more positives than negatives. It is a huge relief that hubby feels so well. As always, your support is a comfort. : )

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