I really hesitated writing this post. I'm always very concerned about discouraging anyone from pursuing CBT/ERP. I want to make sure that I have a happy ending to share with everyone, so it will encourage others to seek out treatment. Truthfully, my progress thus far really is a type of happy ending. It's just not a perfect happy ending. I decided to go ahead and write this post, because if my blog is going to help anyone, I have to be honest. Really honest. I have to be real. OCD is messy, and it sure is real.
My previous post talked about how I completed CBT, and that I was ready for the challenge, etc. Well, I guess it didn't take too long for reality to set in. Last night I started to panic about going forward without a therapist by my side. In fact, I started to feel quite overwhelmed and I was filled with that familiar stomach churning sick feeling.
Then I heard a noise coming from the walls. Oh no, not another mouse problem! So of course, the scary thoughts start racing through my mind. What are we going to do? How could this happen again because my husband sealed up all the holes? Aghhh! Oh no, I can't go through this again!!!
While trying to investigate the source of the noise, I grabbed my smartphone and used the flashlight feature on it to shine into some dark corners. I then accidentally flashed the light into my left eye. It was extremely bright and I saw spots for several minutes. At that point, I started to obsess that perhaps I was going to go blind in my left eye.
OK, so this night was going down hill very quickly. I realized that I was starting to spin out of control and I knew it was not going to end well. So instead of sitting up all night panicking, I decided I should probably go to bed. I tried a few different things to calm myself down, including praying. I even took that same stupid smartphone to bed and played a game on it to distract myself until I got drowsy enough to fall sleep. I did eventually fall asleep.
I'm pleased to say that today was a much better day. I made it through last night. I will make it through other rough nights. Now if I can just figure out what to do about that noise in the wall.