Happy New Year! Tomorrow my husband returns to work from Christmas break and life will return to some type of normal schedule. This is good even though I have had a wonderful time with my family. I love my normal schedule. What person with OCD doesn't?
My normal schedule also includes some new things this year. As my mental illness has improved I've begun taking on more tasks because I feel ready. My husband and I both do a lot of volunteer work at our church. I've been singing on the worship team and acting on the theater team for years. I've also recently begun working on the audio team to run the sound system for the worship team when I'm not scheduled to sing. In addition, because my theater director moved away, I've also been given the director's position. Yikes. That is a scary one. There is a lot more to it than I thought. I have to cast the dramas (easier said than done when everyone else's schedule is crazy), find all the props, assemble musical cues if needed, and lastly, run the rehearsals. I also agreed to sing at a special service this coming Friday night. Oh, and I almost forgot that I have a theater team meeting (that I scheduled and now need to prepare for) in less than two weeks. Lastly, and this is the real kicker, my psychologist and I are going to start working on an item that is a 100 on my hierarchy scale. I'm starting to wonder if I'm totally crazy for taking these things on. Usually all of these events do not tend to take place around the same time but right now it's like a perfect storm of conflicting events.
Here is where the panic starts. I'm starting to have trouble sleeping. I even had a nightmare about this the other night! I know, deep down, that the panic stems from a fear of not doing each item perfectly. I am desperately afraid of failure. I think that people will judge my competence, thereby judging my worth as a human being. I've always been the type of person whose self identity is wrapped around achievement. I've been though enough Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to know that these are all just feelings. They are not facts. Feelings cannot be trusted as they are riddled with cognitive distortions.
Fact: My self worth is not based on my achievements, but on the fact that I am a beloved creation of my Heavenly Father.
Fact: My friends at church will not like me less if I make mistakes.
Fact: Making a mistake does not mean I am an incompetent person.
Fact: Others will probably never judge me as harshly as I judge myself.
Fact: My husband and family will still love me regardless of how I perform.
I will take each task one at a time. I will be mindful and think only about what is going on right now. I will pray. I will ask for help if I need it.
Phew! I actually feel a little better already just writing this out. Thanks for reading, you've helped me a lot today!