Why "71º & Sunny?"

I consider 71º to be the perfect temperature. Not too cold and not too hot. I also love perfect sunny days. The vast majority of days are not 71º & Sunny and yet, all days were created by God's hand and they are still gifts, even if they don't fit my ridiculous definition of perfection. My struggle with OCD has at times imprisoned me in an impossible attempt to achieve perfection. I'm now learning to love all kinds of days that don't even come close to 71º & Sunny.

Please leave me a comment below. I really want to know what you are thinking!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Hindsight Can Keep Its 20/20 Vision

So far, so good. My crazy week is actually moving along relatively nicely. I'm not panicking too much about everything I have to do and I am slowly tackling each item and making progress. In addition, I've decided to try and work on my CSP again. I've realized that part of the problem is that when I feel the urge to pick, I'm usually too lazy and too involved in picking to get up and walk over to set the microwave timer to 60 seconds. In addition, there are many times when I'm in the car or somewhere else where I do not have access to a timer.  In order to solve this I've ordered an inexpensive one minute sand timer along with two gel filled stress balls. These are all small items and will be easily carried around. This should help me make a better attempt at HRT. (By the way, I've added a new link to the Online Resources. It is the Trichotillomania Learning Center (TLC). Trichotillomania is the proper name for Compulsive Hair Pulling and it is a close cousin of CSP. Treatment for CSP and TTM is somewhat similar. The TLC site also has some good information on CSP, which is why I've added it to my list.)

I did have an interesting evening last night. I went to church and directed the rehearsal for a skit that will be performed during Sunday services. In retrospect, the experience was pretty amazing. I felt relatively confident during the rehearsal process. I did do a little second guessing, but for the most part I was obsession free and things went quite well. I had a job to do, I did it, and I felt good about it.

Then I went home. That is when the nagging doubts, a/k/a obsessions, started slowly playing around in my mind. "Why did you do this, or why didn't you do that? Why did you say this, or why didn't you say that?" Over and over as the evening went on and later when I went to bed, these thoughts were circling with increasing ferocity. I was starting to feel some agony about this, but mercifully I somehow managed to eventually fall asleep. When I woke up, I had many errands to attend to and I didn't really get a chance to think about it again very much until this evening. It is so strange. Sometimes when I'm hard at work, I'm so involved in the task at hand that I'm able to escape most obsessions. It is only after the fact that I'm plagued with all of the second guessing. Supposedly hindsight is 20/20 but I'd rather not look back at all. Why can't I just do something and then move on permanently? Do you have times where you feel confident about something you've done and then later on all of a sudden your confidence completely melts away? Or is there anything that you do that you feel good about all the time?

4 comments:

  1. Oh heavens yes! I compulsively look back at conversations, and relationships and think "if I had just said this" or "Maybe I insulted her/him?". It happens so often and I don't even notice. It's exhausting. I agree about that stupid saying "hindsight is 20/20" - I would rather just move on completely and not even have to think about it again because that saying implies that there might be something that we COULD have done to cause a different outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hear ya Pure O. It even happened to me AGAIN today. We had one final rehearsal this a.m. and since I've come home there is one thing that's running through my mind that I keep thinking "Oh, I shouldn't have said that." Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To answer your last question first, there is nothing that I do that I feel good about all the time. And I do a lot of looking back. It's definitely a hallmark of my OCD. I play things back in my mind and say things differently and people react differently to me--in my fantasies.

    In reality, as we all know, we cannot go back in time, and there's nothing we can do about some things. I try to remind myself of that when I obsess over what I should have said/done or shouldn't have said/done. I literally tell myself, sometimes out loud, "Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not think about it."

    And the weird thing is, I have these second-guessing sessions when there is no rational evidence that I did anything wrong!

    Sounds like you're doing great with the directing. It sounds like you're getting in "the flow." When I do that, OCD tends to fade back too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Tina. Thanks for sharing about your experiences. I'm always interested to see what goes through other people's minds. What is amazing to me is how consistent and predictable OCD thinking is among all types of people from different backgrounds. I find that so strange. Before I got diagnosed and did research about OCD I was convinced that no one else had these weird thoughts.

    ReplyDelete