Sometimes I get gripped by this overwhelming, panicky feeling. My heart starts beating faster and my stomach does this thing where it feels like someone is manipulating it like a piece of clay. My breathing quickens to an uncomfortable rhythm and I get a tunnel-like vision where I'm no longer really aware of my surroundings. I can feel the adrenaline pulsing and I can only think about one thing. What did I just blog about?
I wonder if what I've written is ok. Did I write something offensive? Will people hate me for what I wrote? Will they think I'm a "bad Christian"? You know, someone who claims to live for Christ, but really only talks about it but doesn't live it? Will I be sued for my blog and lose everything I own? Will I go to jail for what I've written? Yes, I really do worry about this. For some reason I'm always worrying that someone will think I've done something wrong and I will go to jail. (Having talked to other OCD sufferers, this seems like a common obsession.) I've even had talks with my husband about this and he assures me, that yes, he will still love me even if I go to jail!
For me, blogging is an act of Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Once I've published it, it is out in cyberspace and there is nothing I can do to get it back. The act of hitting "Publish Post" is both victorious and anxiety ridden. I started this blog because I really wanted to bring to light an illness that too often stays in the dark. I want people to know there is NO SHAME in mental illness. However, I also knew the blog would help me to overcome my fears as well. Thanks for reading. You're helping me to do an ERP one post at a time. God Bless You!